dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
