my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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