just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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