She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
