We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
