dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
