She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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