Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
