the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
