don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
