I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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