Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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