i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
