My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
