Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
