She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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