i'm signing you up for texting rehab
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
