Do you still have your period?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
