I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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