Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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