just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
