you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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