Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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