Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
