Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize
