I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
