On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
