So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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