i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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