fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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