My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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