i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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