I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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