mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
