he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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