I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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