actually, I'm a sock model
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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