Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Someone stole a lamp last night.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
