dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
