fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
