I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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