i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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