I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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