My room smells like vodka and shame
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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