She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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