Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
