someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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