I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
