Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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