I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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