Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Drunk is a universal language darling
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
