I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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