We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
