the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
