its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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